All You Need Is Cash: An Interview With Cash Flagg, Jr.

By Klinton Spilsbury

 

Cash Flagg, Jr.

It’s more than a name, it’s a manly name, a name that says "Action", "Adventure", and quite possibly "Softcore Pornography." And as is so often the case with names, it is applied to things, things like industrial turbines, dumb animals and a hopelessly untalented, young actor who would most certainly be declared legally insane in most South American countries. The actor (not the industrial turbine or dumb animal, although I am told both have a development deals with Sony Classics and Seventh Arts Releasing, respectively) was cast in the now-classic smash-hit indie film LETHAL FORCE. I recently interviewed the seemingly retarded thespian in his lavish trailer on the outskirts of Hollywood, Maryland. Shallow, superficial, and intensely stupid, Cash demanded that I bounce quarters off his ass as testament to their incredible, steel-like definition, even going so far as to claim that both butt cheeks together were capable of generating 2000psi when properly synchronized. After a long, fascinating albeit disturbing display of his buttock power which featured the bending of steel bars and a dexterity demonstration featuring chop sticks and some loose change, the interview finally began.

Klinton: How did you get involved with LETHAL FORCE?

Flagg, Jr.: Well, I’ve been working with the Director off and on for the past five years on various projects, usually involving animal husbandry. Then he began working on films, but they too involved animal husbandry. It was eventually suggested that he drop the animal husbandry altogether and focus on film, but he just couldn’t leave it behind which explains the gratuitous appearance of Llamas in all his subsequent films. He’s a good kid.

Klinton: In the clips I’ve seen of LETHAL FORCE, you display a respectable amount of vague, almost geriatric martial arts ability. Would you care to elaborate?

Flagg, Jr.: You know how when Bruce Lee punched high, Jackie Chan punched low? Well, when Bruce Lee punches high and Jackie Chan punches low, I say, "Get me a stunt double, right now, dammit."

Klinton: Basically you’re saying you’re just another well-toned pretty boy who’s going to try to make it big using only you good lucks, toned abs and natural stupidity?

Flagg, Jr.: It worked for Van Damme, didn’t it?

Klinton: That’s debatable. I’ve been told that LETHAL FORCE isn’t exactly you’re debut feature.

Flagg, Jr.: Quite right. My debut film was MONACO FOREVER (1987). I played Ho Chi Minh in a dream musical sequence featuring dancing quadriplegics and a three-legged dog named Steve.

Klinton: Where did you study acting?

Flagg, Jr.: Here and there. I mostly appeared late night infomercials hawking tooth whiteners and Nads, the no-heat Hair Removal Gel from Australia. I also appeared on the nationally syndicated public-access show "Insane Black Man From Haiti".

From there, I’m ashamed to say I drifted into a grim, unsavory world lit by hot sweaty lights and even hotter, sweatier customers. Every night I wiggled my ass for unshaven, mephitic old men in worn out cardigans; tea-bagged eager young swingers in my tight, leather g-string and generally sold off every shred of dignity I had. That’s right- I went into local Dinner Theater and I am not proud.

Klinton: Good Lord, I didn’t know…

Flagg, Jr.: No, it’s all right. It took seven years, but I finally broke free from its fiendish underworld of collard greens, chipped beef on toast and all-you-can-eat buffets. This is my warning to all the young people out there: Stay the hell away from Dinner Theatre! It’s presents a candy-coated simulacrum of pleasure and delight, but the price of admission is your very soul.

Klinton: What does the future hold for Cash Flagg, Jr.?

Flagg, Jr.: Well, now that LETHAL FORCE is the awesome, block-busting smash we all knew it would be, I’ll be moving to Hollywood where I’ll squander what little talent I have in plotless, low-budget kick boxing films packed with pointless nudity, unnecessary violence and no redeeming values whatsoever.

Klinton: So nothing will change.

Flagg, Jr.: Exactly.

 

 

 

 

A graduate of Towson University, Klinton has spent the last five years as the Human Resources head of the Baltimore branch of the Veteran's Administration. A talented cartoonist, Klinton has fashioned his experiences into the Eisner award winning comic book "American Splendor" and has also penned numerous freelance pieces for the Baltimore City Paper, Bizarre, Strange Magazine and the Fortean Times.