I know that this is a movie website, but I thought this needed to be said.

Lately I noticed that I was being followed all the time. I didn't know who it was, so this morning I made a plan. I got in my car and drove to the grocery store. I didn't see a car following me, but I had the feeling that I was being watched. So I parked in the parking lot of the local Sav U Mart, and headed inside. But then I got tricky...I went for the back door and ran out. I heard someone following me, trying to keep up. So what I did was, after I went out the back door, I just stopped in my tracks in order to see who was following me. And there they were.

Three monkeys in party dresses!

I think they were blue dresses, but I'm sort of color blind, so they could have been more of a purple. But here's the weird thing...I think they were males!

I turned to those monkeys and said "all right you dirty monkeys, prepare to feel the wrath of my two fists of anger!" At least it was close to that. I can't remember exactly, but I will err on the side of making me sound really awesome and angry. Unfortunately the monkeys pulled out rocket-powered toasters and flew away on them, leaving me shaking several points of my body with fear and rage.

So now the monkey war is on! And I need to enlist YOU!

If you care about this country, and your freedoms, and your friends and mothers and placentas and dinosaur skeletons and supermodels and sweet juicy kittens, HERE IS WHAT TO DO!

First: Board up your house. If there's one thing I know about monkeys, they get in through open spaces.

Second: Call your Congressman. Warn him of the upcoming invasion. If he doesn't believe you, call every single hour. Eventually he will.

Third: Stock up on canned goods. Open the cans. Mix the food with rat poison. Leave the poisoned food outside with a sign that reads "Hey monkeys, come and eat this delicious food!" If this ploy works, the monkeys will come to eat the food. When they approach, blow their heads off with a shotgun.

Fourth: Anti-monkey propaganda! Build websites! Walk the street with signs! To get the most attention, paint warnings on your house! You laugh now, BUT WILL YOU BE LAUGHING WHEN A DRESS WEARING MONKEY IS CLEANSING HIS PALATE WITH YOUR EYEBALLS? I DON'T THINK SO!

Finally: Prepare for the end of the world.

Now you might be reading this and think ERIC HAS LOST IT! But NO! I have FOUND THE TRUTH! We are not alone on this planet! You might say "Eric, don't be the whistleblower on this issue! What about your reputation?" I DON'T CARE! I freaking hate monkeys! If this means that my reputation will take a hit, I can live with that. I WILL BE VINDICATED!

AL WHO DO NOT BELIEVE SHALL SOON DO SO AND THEY WILL THEN KNOW AND BELIEVE WHAT I HAVE SAID TO BE THE TRUTH AND SHALL BELIEVE THAT TRUTH AND SHALL DISBELIEVE UNTRUTH AND SHALL LOOK DOWN ON EVERYONE ELSE LIKE THE STINKY UNBELIEVERS THAT THEY ARE! TRUST ME! I KNOW FOR A FACT THE FACTS THAT I KNOW!

 

 

* this was originally posted on the news page during a slow month, but I reprinted it here due to the amount of people who wrote to me about it. How many? Including imaginary and/or hallucinated e-mails, the answer is three.