So one day I was sitting in my room...reading, watching tv, pouring soda on the occasional stray spider...when I got a call from Mike Watt. He was helping to organize a convention that Robyn Griggs, ex-soap star and current horror movie lass was throwing. He wanted to know if I would be interested in appearing as a guest.

It was a tough conversation to have. Mike was so star stuck and nervous he couldn't get a sentence out without calling me "sir," which got really annoying after awhile...well, after about half an hour. I have a pretty big ego.

Anyway, Mike said if he didn't have a big name such as myself, the whole affair could be ruined. So finally I said okay, if there were other decent guests too. Mike said the list included Brinke Stevens, Jasi Cotton Lanier, Erin Gray, and...Marc Singer.

The Beastmaster!

So I played it off, said I guessed I could do him a favor this one time, and then I hung up I pranced around the room like a little girl. The Beastmaster and I, together at last! I always knew this day would come! Would he be all I imagined? Would he break out swordfighting moves? Would he have ferrets? Would we become best friends?

If the answer to any of those questions was "no," I would be disappointed. Was I? Take this trip and live vicariously through me and find out!

Like the Pittsburgh Comic Con, I went with trusted advisor/lapdog Jason Russler. We arrived in glorious...Akron? What the heck is in Akron, Ohio? Apparently in Akron they consider a hotel made out of an old, moldy grain silo to be a five-star joint. Okay, I'm being facetious here, because I thought that staying in a converted grain silo might possibly be the coolest thing ever, aside from Marc Singer when he's angry. But...I've said too much.

Here's the lobby of the hotel. Very, very swanky.

There was a wedding being held, and Jason couldn't help himself. He said it was the best wedding cake he ever licked!

Okay, I'm kidding. This hotel hosts a lot of weddings, so they have this fake cake sitting out all the time. It's really made out of cardboard. Jason didn't figure this out until he'd eaten three pieces. Still, he said it was the best fake wedding cake he'd ever eaten, if you don't count the one he ate made out of mud that he made himself eight years ago.

Personally, I count that one.

This hotel rocked and so did we, all the way until nine o'clock! You can't tell by this picture, but the room is round, since the silos were used for the rooms. It was like a futuristic wonderland!

The next day, it was time! Time to get up! Take my weekly shower! And GO TO THE SHOW!

Look at the people! Look at the stuff! Look at the carpet, all fancy and such! Where's the girls who wear tight clothing and monster horns? Where's the guys who wear leather trenchcoats even in summer? Where's Marc Singer?

We set up the Piranha Pictures table and signed autographs all day. Oh my, the autographs we signed! All right, we didn't actually sign autographs. Mainly we just set up a TV with clips from our films. And handed out literature about ourselves. Actually, I did sign an autograph, but it was for the chicken pot pie that I paid for with my credit card, so much like that wedding cake made out of mud, I don't know if that counts. Although I saw the waitress put the receipt in her pocket. I think that means something.

It was here that I met my very first Arch Nemesis, Brinke Stevens. She was busy all day meeting fans and signed many an autograph. Now I don't want to get catty, especially since I'm a straight guy and that's kind of unbecoming, but we were filled with a jealous rage. Brinke came over and talked to us and was very nice, so it's probably petty that I took a hacksaw and cut the legs of her table to make it three inches shorter than ours, but that's the kind of guy I am.

Okay, okay...as arch nemeses go, Brinke was entirely too nice. I tried to start a fight every now and then, but she'd have none of it. She's a really great person. She just wouldn't take the bait.

Completing the three-for-three convention coverage, here's Jasi Cotton Lanier. We always seem to run into each other at one of these things, and we always end up having a fistfight at some point. Fighting small girls is fun and easy! As you can see, Jasi is selling paintings and such that she's in. She was a really popular guest, and she had a movie showing that she makes an appearance in called "Severe Injuries." Awww, little tiny Jasi...so cute.

If anyone tells Jasi that I called her cute, I'll deny it. And Jasi, if you're reading this, I didn't type any of this stuff. Some hacker did. Why I'm referring to myself even though I'm not typing this is some sort of paradox, like on every third episode of Star Trek.

Jason liked this part. This is Ryli Morgan, who's a model and actress. She has a bunch of movies that she's been in, several directed by her husband Mark Baranowski. It's a testament to her goodness that she consented to have her picture taken with Jason, who I refer to sometimes as simply "lib hippie." It's not very funny, but it's cruel, and sometimes that's all you can really aim for.

From left to right: a Tromette, Jason, me, and Lloyd Kaufman of Troma.

From right to left: Lloyd Kaufman, me, Jason, and a Tromette.

If you started in the middle on, let's say, me. Me, Lloyd Kaufman, a Tromette, and Jason.

Anyway, Lloyd's always cool. Very personable, and he loves talking to fans.

We ran into Amy Lynn Best, fresh from Ye Olde Country. She was helping out with guests and whatnot, as well as presenting her movie "Severe Injuries." That's right, the same movie Jasi's in! See, it's all coming together now, isn't it? Well something's coming together. But it's sure not her vest.

Here's Mike Watt mere seconds before his mental breakdown. He had to contend with various cool--and some insane--celebs, and he had to keep everyone happy. Or at least try. Or at least try until he'd had enough. Mike, you're a good man with a hard job.!

And here's the host of the show, the one and only Robyn Griggs. She tried to run when she saw me, but I caught her and we took this picture. You can't see the knife I'm holding on her, which is probably for the best. Robyn's great, and she threw a very nice convention. I didn't envy her, because she was insanely busy as she tried to keep things running smoothly along with Mike and Amy. To their credit, it seemed to run very well.

So where's Marc Singer through all of this? He must be somewhere. Will Eric be disappointed? Will he ever find Marc Singer?

Sometimes it got a little boring, so I brought along some reading material. This is the actual Book of the Dead prop from Evil Dead 2. It was so cool holding it, thanks to Tom Sullivan and Pat Reese. I had been talking to those really nice guys and asked if I could snap a picture of me with one of the replica books, but Pat said "why take a picture with one of those?" and pulled the real one out from the case. After cleaning up my fanboy drool, we snapped this pic.

I hated to be parted with it. Luckily I ripped half of the pages out and stuffed them in my pocket.

I was invited to sit on a panel of other low-budget filmmakers. Here I am with Mark Baranowski (On Mark Productions - "Expendable"), Jeff Waltrowski and Nic Pesante (Hero Headquarters - "Project: Valkyrie"), Andy Copp ("The Mutilation Man"). And last on the row, Mike Watt. Obscured in the back is Steve Foland, also from Hero Headquarters.

It was a jam-packed Q&A session. The exit doors were jam-packed, at least.

By the end of the day, we were pretty tuckered out and bitter. Tuckered out due to all the wheeling and dealing going on. Bitter because...well, why not?

We tried to sneak out, but Jasi caught up to us and decided to get revenge because we had been throwing orange peels at her most of the day.

Jasi was being beat up so badly, people came to help her. I didn't feel bad one bit.

So after this minor tussle, we quickly packed our bags, threw some more orange peels at Jasi, ran to the car, and headed out to eat dinner.

We ate in the hotel. You actually eat in this full size train, which is super awesome if you're either five years old, or us.

 

And then it was time for...the party!

 

The party was all craziness and insanity. It was only open to the VIPs, but we managed to knock out one of the guards with a sock full of breath mints. We saw Edwin Neal, who played the insane Hitchhiker in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre dance with hot ladies! Some weird Troma chick stripped to her g-string and played the harp! And other assorted things!

Yes...assorted things. Things indeed.

We got to sit at the adult table. Behind me, trying to ignore my hilarious banter and great advice, is Reggie Bannister from the Phantasm series.

We ran into Mark and Ryli again. I really liked the two of them...they were a swell couple, and really nice.

Another swell couple is Reggie Bannister and his wife, Gigi.

As it turns out, it was Brinke Stevens' birthday, so they had a cake for her and we all sang Happy Birthday. Luckily no lawyers were there to force us to pay for the right to sing the song since it's copyrighted and this could have been considered a public performance. But since we weren't doing it for money, it would probably be okay.

Um...anyway, it was really nice and I think Brinke was surprised. Although since she's a professional actress, it wouldn't be very hard for her to pretend she was surprised. Just something to think about.

Here Brinke kept saying "look, I'm a walrus!" I don't get it.

The cake was quite good. After I ate mine, I got a note from Brinke saying she spit in my piece, and that my restraining order was in the mail. If I had known Brinke Stevens spit in my cake, I would have sold it on eBay.

The night grew long in the tooth, and I was getting tired. Jason and I had partied like it was 1999. And considering that it's 2003, I guess that means we're pretty lame.

 

Well, that's about it. The next day we packed up, kissed the round hotel room goodbye, and headed back to Washington DC.

 

But wait you ask, what about Marc Singer? Did we ever meet him? Did I get the chance to engage him in battle?

 

Dear friends, some things just can't be answered.